what is this phenomenon that is reality television?

I’ll tell you what. Reality television, no matter how unrealistic, serves in some purpose to make people (me) feel better. About many things. I wish watching Sex and the City or Grey’s Anatomy would make me feel good all the time, but it doesn’t.

Why? Because for one thing, on Sex and the City, there’s ALWAYS a happy ending. Every woman gets what she wants in the end. I mean, I guess if you watch every episode except the final one, then maybe they don’t always-always get what they want and it is a process, but still, these ladies aren’t worrying about money or terrorism or losing their jobs or illness or families. I mean I guess for about five minutes in a few episodes, they worried about those things. But still, do you see what I mean?

And then let’s point to Grey’s Anatomy, simply because that’s what I’m watching right now. Everything in this show is so damn depressing! Fell in love? Too bad, he’s gonna die now. Got pregnant? Too bad, you’re not gonna have it and your husband’s gonna leave you. Can’t have children? Too bad— the adoption agency doesn’t like you and your husband’s also gonna leave you. (These aren’t accurate plot descriptions for Grey’s, but you get the jist.)

And on top of everything else, you know all these Hollywood and NYC actors in these programs are nothing like these characters and are actually leading very lovely lives with expensive organic foods, delicious glasses of expensive wine, sex with very attractive partners, and sleep in very well-furnished apartments. And that leads you where? Wanting to land a role on Grey’s Anatomy? Yeah right.

Which is why I like reality television. Yeah, pretty much all the people I watch on these shows are probably richer than the actors on these scripted shows BUT look, the Kardashians? They make me feel okay, because 1) they’re sexy and I like looking at them (let’s be real) 2) they are curvy women so I don’t feel bad eating fro-yo while I watch them 3) they fight with each other but they make up 4) they prove that making really big mistakes in your life can lead to really big dollars in your life 5) aren’t all those reasons inspiration enough?

Next, Bethenny Frankel of Bethenny Ever After. Okay, so she’s rich as hell, and has a cute baby, cute dog, and hot husband, but she also has a lot of issues. But even so, she displays all her relationship, work, and family problems for the world (people who watch Bravo!) to see. I mean just watch this promo:

Sheeeit, you guys. See what I mean?

And don’t even let me get started on the Bachelor/Bachelorette series! I definitely think relationships are fun and I want love in my life, but at the same time, I’m not going to cry my eyes out and fight to the death for a winemaker with bad hair and bad manners. Yup. 

So there you have it— reality television: Putting actors out of work and making me feel a little better about my own life, one loud mouth at a time.


i’m a little late on this news but…

Queen Bey has a Tumblr! 

Yeah i’ll be reblogging that thing like a mofo. 

it’s weird that i’m attracted to wiz khalifa, right? oh well. have a sexxy thursday before a Good Friday, y’all.

missions: impossible?

So, weeks like this are hard for me.

Nope, I’m not STILL PMSing… but it is the week the Hunger Games and Mad Men premiere. Why do I do this to myself? I put off reading the rest of the Harry Potter series and before I know it, it’s over. I put off watching actual good television like Mad Men, 30 Rock and all those other NBC shows people like, and before I realize it, it’ll take me a year to catch up to everyone and that’s only if I never see another margarita again for 365 days. 

I don’t get why I do this to myself. I have Netflix, I could watch WHATEVER I WANT, but what do I do instead? Put on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Season 3, even though I watched all of ‘em when I was unemployed and living at my parents’ house.

As for the Hunger Games thing, well, I’m just “afraid” I won’t like it. I don’t know why. If anyone reads this post, they’re gonna shoot me. But I rarely like books people tell me I will. Now, if NPR tells me I’ll like something, it’s likely I’ll at least give liking it a whirl, but as for my own friends (people I actually know), I have a hard time. I’ll bet my parents are really proud of me.

Believe it or not, this rant has a point. It’s a challenge. I’m going to watch FOUR whole episodes of Mad Men by the end of this week. I’m going to make the time. Maybe I’ll soak my feet as I stare at Christina Hendrick’s luscious melons. 

AND, I’m going to read at least FOUR whole chapters of The Hunger Games. Yeah, I’m not going to commit or promise to read the whole thing, because let’s be real: I’m not going to be able to get a ticket to the midnight showing anyway and we know that’s the whole point. 

And I’m not going to watch all of Mad Men, because honestly, even if I stayed home in bed all day everyday til Sunday, I don’t think I’d finish all four seasons.

So anyway, take the challenge yourself too: what’s something you’ve been putting off? Something actually fun you’ve been not letting yourself do because of time constraints/ laziness/ fear? Maybe you have watched Mad Men but you’ve never taken the time to get to know The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Well, girl, I recommend you do it. And do it now. 

I’ll keep y’all posted.  

Thanks, Jessica Simpson.

Okay guys (girls). I love me some celebrities. I wish I didn’t because sometimes I wonder if it’s a sign that I’m a lesser person than others.

Okay give me a minute.

i think i just realized I’m a lesser person than others.

Okay, I’m over it now. Anyway, when I think to myself, “Self, who would you most to be like?” The obvious answer to me (and probably to everyone else in the world) is Beyonce. But the Beyonce post is for another time. I want to be a Beyonce, but I think I am a Jessica. A Jessica Simpson. Especially when I PMS. PMS is another celeb obsession I have too.

Here’s what J-Simps and I have in common:

First of all, I like to call out my southern-ness (which isn’t even that authentic) whenever it’s convenient. Jess (yeah, Imma call her dat) does this A LOT. Especially on talk shows.

Second of all, John Mayer broke my heart too. Why does he write all these super sensitive girly songs and then shit on America’s sweethearts? This made me lose hope in men. Note that I didn’t lose hope in celebs though.

Third of all, I say dumb things a lot. If you’ve ever seen an episode of MTV’s Newlyweds (and if you’re too young to know what that is, please X out of this blog now), then you know she does too.

But those aren’t even the main reasons I feel so kindred with Jessica. Today in the shower, I felt bloated and puffy and emotional and confused. You know, like all women do a lot of the time. But this time was particularly bad. And all I could think was, “Damn, I bet Jessica Simpson feels like this a lot.”

And you know, I never can picture Beyonce feeling bloated or puffy or upset. I know she just pushed a baby out in January, but I can’t even picture her really doing that. She’s just a goddess… not that goddesses don’t push out babies. You know what I mean! (Do you?)

But Jessica… you’re real, girl. Good luck pushing your baby out soon because I can totally picturing it happening right now. Love you!

I’m a Courtneypants fan— she’s hilarious and weird, and super healthified. After I watched this video, I took a break from Kombucha (mostly because they stopped being on sale at my grocery store), and tried out this apple cider drank. If you’re wondering if it’s feckin’ disgustin’… it kind of is. But it burns the absolute scheisse outta my esophagus in the best way possible. 

Guys (girls), if you need a kick in the pants (stomach), then this is the drank for you. It wakes me up and gives me a bit of energy. It doesn’t get things moving Jamie Lee Curtis-style, but hey, it’s only been a week.

Here’s how I’ve been doin’ it (almost identical to Courtneypants’ recipe):

Warm Water (by microwave)
Cayenne Pepper
Bragg’s Organic Apple Cider Vinegar
Half a Lemon
Agave Nectar (she uses stevia)

Yum, y’all! Try it! 

how to celebrate valentine’s day when you also have PMS.

….or, just ten things i’m doing right now.

10. make yourself a drink with some heart shaped ice cubes.

9. turn on Amelie. (they’re playing it on hulu right now.)

8. think, “damn, i wish i’d studied abroad. maybe i really will go to france someday if i keep that dream alive inside my heart.” then hate yourself for even thinking something like that.

7. be mad at everyone except cute animals. 

6. eat cheese. in fact, go buy yourself a pizza. or make a lasagna.

5. eat some cake or cakes. then, eat something spicy/salty/sweet… I recommend Trader Joe’s Chili Spice Mango.

4. text girl friends to make sure you’re still getting “single ladies dinner.” 

3. think about finding some chocolate, but don’t actually get any.

2. read some funny tweets and re-tweet them.

1. wash your dishes, girl. a dirty apartment ain’t gonna make v-day go by any more pleasantly.

in all honesty, i freaking love this holiday, with or without a guy in my life. but damn y’all, i hate PMSing. i want to EAT EVERYTHING! 

P.S. Welcome to this blog, I’m Bailey— the single southern kid in New York.