I’ve gathered you all here at this very special corner of internet to make an announcement. There have been rumors swirling among some (none) of you and I’ve decided to address them. It’s true. My birthday was on Friday and I am now 23 years old.

                                     [I’m super excited about it]

Now, it could be argued that 23 is not a significant benchmark year but I say it is. It marks a point in an individual’s life where it is no longer acceptable to eat ice cream for breakfast. So today, I have decided to officially declare my womanhood with a classy lady manicure.

         [Please note the mature floral background—disregard Kung Fu Panda.]

With this manicure, I leave behind childish things to embrace more grown up interests. For example, I’ve downloaded the BBC News app for my phone and there is tofu in my refrigerator. I still live with my parents but now I’m going to pretend like they live with me. 

—Tina

P.S. Someone suggested a Lady Gaga manicure. THANK YOU. I’ve been planning one out in my head for a while and it is on the way! 

Liz Lemon’s baby was “born” on 4/20. i was born on 4/20. Coincidence? 

Probably. 

I had a couple beers last night (by couple i mean many) and did my nails. I kept it simple. 

                  [I don’t know what that fox thing is but I’ve had it forever]

That’s holographic glitter mother fuckers. It makes each nail look like a rare pokemon card. Seriously, the glitter is super sparkly and awesome. It’s hard to capture the effect in a photo but just take my word for it. I only lie sometimes.

A friend asked me if I take requests. I would love to! So if you have an idea you’d like me to try (maybe because you’re too lazy to do it yourself) just click “ask me anything” and let me know.

—Tina

but I freaking love holidays. Even Easter. Perhaps the holiest of holidays, Easter celebrates the day that a giant rabbit miraculously pooped out a massive egg…an egg that soon after hatched a reborn Jesus Christ. I’ve expertly recreated this event in MS Paint.

                             [It happened, okay. Read the bible, people.] 

I can’t believe I made it an entire 3 posts without blaspheming. You’re welcome. 

Below is my Easter egg manicure. I rounded my tips with a nail file to make them look more like eggs. Initially, I was like “gross” but now I’m wondering if I should have had rounded tips all along. It’s exciting thoughts like these that make my life worthwhile…sigh… 

Happy Jesus-hatching day to all! 

-Tina 

I went polish hunting other day. I call it hunting because I attack the nail aisle like a cat attacking its own reflection. That’s not a saying? Well, it should be. 

                          [No exaggeration, this is exactly what I do]

I’m positive the ladies at Sally’s Beauty Supply hate me intensely. I roll in their like a tornado and hog up the entire polish section.  By the time I leave, I look like I used my nails to slaughter a village of care bears.

[the doodoo brown color was on sale so I thought I could make it work. I couldn’t.]

Anyway, I was wreaking havoc on the nail aisle when I noticed that they had the China Glaze Hunger Games collection. Awesome. Awesome to the max.

                [A dramatization of my reaction performed by Morgan Freeman]

I bought “Stone Cold” (a graphite-looking matte) and “Electrify” (FUCKING GLITTER). The other polishes are cool but these two are the only MUST HAVEs in my opinion.

The movie comes out this weekend and you can bet your effing buns that I’ll be there. This week I’m sporting Hunger Games nails. I used the polishes I bought from the collection—“Stone Cold” is my base color, “Electrify” is painted over my fire accent nail. The design is inspired by the book cover.

 I think this series may be one of the rare instances where the movies are better than the books. But, why do you say that Tina? I’ll tell you if you shut up for a second. The first book is awesome. ‘Nuff said. The others start to go downhill for me (IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THEM YOU SHOULD STOP READING THIS).

For some reason, Collins decided to insert some extra Twilight-esque angsty teen romance bullshit into the second and third books. Maybe I’m alone on this one but I really thought Katniss lost a lot of her strength whining as she debated back and forth between Peeta and Gale. I look forward to seeing most of that junk cut out, especially because the arena in Catching Fire is so freaking cool.

(YOU CAN START READING AGAIN)

If China Glaze and other companies keep releasing collections as companions to movies, they are going to get ALL OF MY MONEY.  The Avengers movie comes out this summer… my eyes are welling up with tears just thinking about how awesome that collection would be… OH GOD. TAKE EVERYTHING. WHAT DO YOU WANT? MY KIDNEY? YOU CAN HAVE IT.

I’ve lost my mind. The nail polish fumes have gone to my head and it’s only a matter of time before I turn into this lady:

I’m going to go ahead and apologize for that horrific pun (aPUNlogize? I swear I’ll stop). Perhaps this is a bit predictable but this week I did a St. Patty’s Day manicure.

I decided on a glitter gradient. I’ve wanted to do one for a while now but I needed to find a nice, heavy glitter polish. And then Julep’s Oscar happened. It looks like this:

And it made me do this:

A glitter gradient is super easy to do. Once I put on my base color (green), I painted my tips with some gold nail polish. It doesn’t have to be neat. It just helps the glitter at the top look more concentrated and awesome. Then…Oscar time! I started at the tip and moved down, making sure to have less polish on my brush when I was painting closer to my cuticles. If that didn’t make any sense here’s some step by step photos:

Glitter gradients look best on long nails and I’ve been growing mine out for a while now. However, the other day I was just minding my business, flailing my arms about wildly (as usual) and the unthinkable happened. I broke a nail. Specifically, I broke the nail on my middle finger. It was a literal “fuck you” from the universe. No big deal. I handled it like any rational, emotional stable person would…

In light of these events, I decided to do something different on that hand. After spending an embarrassing amount of time hunched over at my desk, huffing polish fumes, the result is this:

It’s my take on the whole leprechaun’s gold at the end of the rainbow thing. At the end of my rainbow, though, is a treasure better than gold…BEER. Seriously, if I had to choose between a pot of gold and beer I would…well honestly I would choose the gold BUT I would then sell that gold and probably end up spending the money on booze anyway. Booze and nail polish.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

-Tina

I have sausage fingers. Short, stubby sausage fingers. I’m perfectly aware of it and I don’t need YOU pointing it out, prick. Sorry… I’m projecting.

It’s nice to meet you, by the way. I’m Tina. I’m almost 23, living in Nashville, and, sometimes, I use commas too much. I used to be a normal girl (and by normal girl I mean equal parts old cat lady and young gay man).  But last year something changed. I bought a bottle of teal nail polish and something inside me snapped in a way that I can’t quite put into words. Oh wait, yes I can: I became a fucking nail polish fiend.

I’ve been quite content to keep this obsession to myself (I’m lying… I never shut the fuck up about it) but now I’m going to share my chubby fingertips with the internet. This is a pretty big step for me. I spent most of my life keeping my tiny hands hidden in pockets, gloves, fluffy kitties…

Nail polish is to my hands what huge implants are to strippers.  It says, “Hey, ignore the weird c-section scars and look up top.” Please disregard my sausage fingers and enjoy the pretty colors.

Speaking of boobs, this manicure is inspired by melons. I did it with tape and toothpicks, which is basically how I do everything. It’s not perfect. The dots smeared while I was putting on my topcoat and I reacted appropriately.

My manicures won’t always be perfect, my cuticles may be messy, and my designs may be ugly or strange but I…um…I’m going to be honest with you: I don’t know where I was going with that. 

-Tina

P.S. My mom doesn’t think my color combinations look good. She also thinks I should blog about her instead. PSH yeah right like that’ll…oh god dammit.